I’ve been finding myself severely agitated over the last few days and not sure why. It started a couple of days ago and at the time I thought it was triggered by a soy chai latte from Starbucks (which will be my last for a while anyway – sugar is no longer on the menu).
Last week after the skating accident I had the same thing, but worked through it and identified the problems.
This week though, it’s back. Last night I was unbelievably sad and unhappy, mainly due to a phone conversation and the aftermath of that. I wrote, and wrote and wrote and wrote… it was almost non-stop until 2am. Then this morning I wrote a letter which I will never post, and the resolution arrived.
And now I’m back in it again. I woke angry, speculated a bit (which is what I do when I’m agitated), checked something, got really upset and angry, threw the laptop across the bed, then wrote some stuff out in a document.
Writing helps me.
Only about 20 one sentence statements got me to a place where I could work out something; they veered from the anger, hurt and child-like reactions:
- ‘I am’ (‘I am feeling left out’; ‘I am feeling nasty’);
- ‘I have’ (‘I have unpleasant, nasty thoughts’);
- ‘I feel’ (‘I feel like I’m the one making all the compromises’);
…to ones more self-aware and of ownership:
‘My moods’ (‘My moods are all over the place’, ‘my moods are controlling me’, ‘my moods are creating the situation’);
then finally I was led into queries and problem-solving:
‘Could it be’ (‘could it be the hormones?’, ‘Could it be old patterns?’, ‘Could it be I haven’t had time for me?’)
I realised something: this is what my father did. The pattern was so close as to be uncanny: a slow arcing up, slow burn, some resentment, building, building, building, then a dark feeling of being alone and excluded (which is my stuff); all irrational, nasty, spiteful and out of character but uncontrollable like a tide hammering over me, lifting me up and carrying me along.
I researched mood-swing, which is the first thing that came to mind based on the statements.
That led me, thanks to google to wikipedia. There I found that ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) people suffer mood swings. I was diagnosed with Adult ADD a few years ago. Mood Swings ADD led me to a couple of sites with home remedies but suddenly the tension and anger was gone.
Whether the damn thing is still there is another thing altogether. Maybe I cut the blue wire and the bomb is now disarmed? Maybe there’s another one lurking just around the corner?
All I do know is that I’m getting better at noticing the signs, finding ways to fix my own reactions and minimising harm to those I care about.
And for that I have to be thankful.
It’s funny, but I’m wondering if this would be of use once I’m out in the world doing counselling?