agitation

I’ve been finding myself severely agitated over the last few days and not sure why. It started a couple of days ago and at the time I thought it was triggered by a soy chai latte from Starbucks (which will be my last for a while anyway – sugar is no longer on the menu).

Last week after the skating accident I had the same thing, but worked through it and identified the problems.

This week though, it’s back. Last night I was unbelievably sad and unhappy, mainly due to a phone conversation and the aftermath of that. I wrote, and wrote and wrote and wrote… it was almost non-stop until 2am. Then this morning I wrote a letter which I will never post, and the resolution arrived.

And now I’m back in it again. I woke angry, speculated a bit (which is what I do when I’m agitated), checked something, got really upset and angry, threw the laptop across the bed, then wrote some stuff out in a document.

Writing helps me.

Only about 20 one sentence statements got me to a place where I could work out something; they veered  from the anger, hurt and child-like reactions:

  • ‘I am’ (‘I am feeling left out’; ‘I am feeling nasty’);
  • ‘I have’ (‘I have unpleasant, nasty thoughts’);
  • ‘I feel’ (‘I feel like I’m the one making all the compromises’);

…to ones more self-aware and of ownership:

‘My moods’ (‘My moods are all over the place’, ‘my moods are controlling me’, ‘my moods are creating the situation’);

then finally I was led into queries and problem-solving:

‘Could it be’ (‘could it be the hormones?’, ‘Could it be old patterns?’, ‘Could it be I haven’t had time for me?’)

I realised something: this is what my father did. The pattern was so close as to be uncanny: a slow arcing up, slow burn, some resentment, building, building, building, then a dark feeling of being alone and excluded (which is my stuff); all irrational, nasty, spiteful and out of character but uncontrollable like a tide hammering over me, lifting me up and carrying me along.

I researched mood-swing, which is the first thing that came to mind based on the statements.

That led me, thanks to google to wikipedia. There I found that ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) people suffer mood swings. I was diagnosed with Adult ADD a few years ago. Mood Swings ADD led me to a couple of sites with home remedies but suddenly the tension and anger was gone.

Whether the damn thing is still there is another thing altogether. Maybe I cut the blue wire and the bomb is now disarmed? Maybe there’s another one lurking just around the corner?

All I do know is that I’m getting better at noticing the signs, finding ways to fix my own reactions and minimising harm to those I care about.

And for that I have to be thankful.

It’s funny, but I’m wondering if this would be of use once I’m out in the world doing counselling?

 

Author: gotheek

Sometime writer, full time human.

1 thought on “agitation”

  1. Ah, of course this will be of use – any techniques you find successful will potentially help others. Good work!

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