Yet once the job is done I feel really good.

And yes, here’s another case of avoidance – writing a blog post instead of one of the 3 assignments I have to do.

I’m now on Android for my phone, and retired my iPhone 3 (long may it live).

And Steve Jobs may well be turning in his grave over this, but unfortunately, he’s going to have to rotate a while.

Here’s the thing. 

It was free. My iPhone has been playing up for a while. Simple little equation.

A week of research led me to finally accept that this would work on the mac, despite having to use virus control on the unit (which was a big problem for me, but I got over it by loading AVG). Some final research today led me to Syncmate (to sync contacts and calendar) and Doubletwist (to sync music) to the phone. It’s actually quite elegant once I worked it all out.

I noticed today that the default browser wouldn’t load the guardian website. Nor did it have tabbed browsing. Opera for the phone did. 

I also researched the best email client. K9 Mail looks like it’s the one. 

So all in all, I’m hoping this unit works and keeps working…

I thought it would fit them, as the last bike was too large and actually injured them when they slipped down off the seat at a set of traffic lights (as one does). A too high crossbar bruised their pelvis and they were in a lot of pain.

The geometry of this bike looked like it might work – a lower crossbar and a much better bike on the whole.

So I spent a good $120 on it as it had a number of issues (which was why someone left it out to be claimed), including:

- no front tyre or inner tube

- very worn back tyre and punctured inner tube

- very dirty overall

- gear cable broken

- brake cables worn

I went about cleaning and fixing the bike up, learning how to change gear cables along the way which was actually quite cool.

Tomorrow I fix the brakes with new cables brought for almost half the price of cables from another shop.

My partner saw the bike yesterday finally and unfortunately it’s too big which was quite demoralising. But all was not lost because I realised what we could do is take it to their place so I’ve got a bike to ride and they could bring one of her two bikes to my place so they’ve got a bike to ride.

So how come I feel demoralised about it and now regard the money as wasted?

I had high hopes for it. And it’s no-ones fault that it didn’t fit. I’ve added value to a bike that was thrown away, abandoned, and gotten enjoyment out of fixing it up.

But now it’ll be for me, I don’t regard it as money well spent. The problem ultimately is that I’m still in the trap of “spend on others = good”, “spend on me = guilt invoking”. 

Basically, I don’t regard myself as worth it. I rarely buy myself anything of value and this christmas I had a little splurge, but the addition of a $120 bike has pushed me over the “me” limit. But I’m happy to spend on others, especially my partner.

Perhaps it’s finally time to admit that I am worth it? God knows I’ve been in this hole too long…

I’ve been feeling a little “meh” over the last 18 hours or so. Partially to do with not eating enough and partially to do with a bad habit of catastrophising incidents. Only some incidents mind you. Once food has entered my system, calm reigns again and I can step back from what my mind is going over and over and over and take a deep breath, sign and say to myself “well, I’m glad I didn’t open my mouth”.

However, another way of dealing with this overly creative mind of mine is to write out what I’m feeling, identify the emotions and work backwards from there. I’ve just experienced a “mindfulness” module in my course which talks about this very thing, which is nice as I’d already identified emotion as the trigger for a lot of stories coming up in my head (both real and imagined). Who knew I’d be on the right track!

Lunch consumed, brain firing properly, feeling better and grounded, now onto the edits for assignment and the writing of a new one.

Hi ho wossname.

Still, could be worse. I’m at home in the warm, Doctor Who is on, and that someone won’t be missing for long.

The bottom-line is this: After much soul-searching last night, I worked out where my major frustration came from: dealing with people.

That is, specific people, the kind who don’t actually listen to anything but their own voice. People that it would be so much easier to simply say “go away” to, and simply withdraw. People who should, in any sane sense of the word, be able to take care of themselves. 

I run a support group. Which is, of course, a can of worms waiting to be opened. However, for the most-part, the group gatherings have been reliably free of the needy. One has turned up, and has been spoken to on a couple of occasions about a couple of issues.

I think my issue is that I am an impatient person with a patient shell. If people don’t get something after a certain time, all I want to do is walk away and put my energies into things that actually will get me some joy.

I don’t know about anyone else, but putting language in very clear, non-judgemental, non-threatening, extremely diplomatic terms when all you want to do is tell someone to fuck off is exhausting. And annoying. In fact, I think it’s the pent-up annoyance in this situation that led to yesterday’s unpleasantness. I begin to doubt myself, I begin to… oh…

*sigh*.

I worked it out: it’s a variation on the old theme.

Short version: I used to be around people who undermined me a lot. I let them, but knew they were undermining me. When confronted by them about my supposed shortcomings, I spoke to them in continually diplomatic and careful language in order to avoid further inflaming tensions (and in order to try to avoid my copping it in the neck. Again). 

With the person in question, I was speaking in continually diplomatic and careful language in order to avoid (in this case) offense or hurt.

Which has triggered the monstrous frustration and upset I experienced yesterday.

So, what’s the solution?

Option 1: Tell people like this to simply fuck off, grow up and for fucks sake stop being a bloody arsehole!

Hmmm, slightly extreme, but on a satisfaction scale, it’s up there with chocolate.

Option 2: (from the Long Version): Just say “No”. For example: 

“No, that is an inappropriate question to ask.”

“No, it is inappropriate to be nosey”

“No, you do not have a right to talk continually at me.”

“No, if you’re not prepared to begin adjusting your behaviour for this group situation, then you have to leave.”

My problem is that I engage in dialogue. I engage in explanations. And the explanations become more and more long-winded and intricate. I have to work fast and very, very hard to create language that is non-threatening, non-judgemental, and incredibly diplomatic, while communicating a simple idea: “No.”

There. I feel better. Now I can have breakfast.

So what’s the answer?

Eat, obviously. But beyond that..?

I have a darkness inside me that rises sometimes. I have such anger and frustration. And it scares me.

I need to work this out before it affects someone I really love.

Here I am – 40 years old and I’m feeling needy. For fucks sake, why can’t I just grow the fuck up? How come I revert to this idiotic place Every Single Bloody Time? How come I feel like screaming until my lungs hurt, how come my head hurts like hell, how come I just want to cry and yell. 

How come it’s *me* all the fucking time that is in the wrong? I have to always walk this straight and narrow line otherwise I get smacked down because after all, it’s my shit. Of course I’ll be smacked down. 

Do I see others diverge from the magical “line of good behaviour” and get away with it? No. No, I don’t. I can only assume that they do it in private, but that’s all it is: assumption.

And Assumption, my dear Mitz, is the mother of all fuck-ups.

I discovered earlier today that my hunger makes me desperate. Like many things in my life, my actual bodily feeling manifests as parallel emotion. So, my body is desperate for food (and rightly so, I hadn’t eaten anything but two crumpets in 5 hours), but what happens is that my body doesn’t communicate through “oh, I’m hungry” – or it might, I just can’t feel it. My body has worked out though that it can get my attention by somehow accessing memories of desperation. So I’ve felt really fucking needy all day, and resentful that people haven’t been telepathic and worked this out. 

I mean, really; is that the best you can do Lisa? Expect others will just magically work out that you’re feeling like shit? 

All in all, I feel like a fraud at the moment, and nothing has gone my way without a severe bloody fight all day. Computers fucking up this morning (2 hours to work out what the actual problem was – fixed with the terminal option of turning off the power), videos refusing to upload (8 goes in all, taking around 18 hours). Software refusing to import videos (iMovie, frankly, may as well have been written by fucking Microsoft for its overall uselessness). Now there’s been a 2 hour fight to get Youtube videos to actually embed in a WordPress blog. 2 hours, 5 separate plugins and finally one works. Now the eCommerce system that I’ve spent a good 2 hours trying to get working (and it’s actually a good one that *should* work) has failed too. Three installs, three deletions and another three attempts to get the bloody thing working has resulted in NOTHING.

I wonder if I should just have given up on today.

The problem though is that I’ve got things I actually fucking need to do and they’re NOT GETTING DONE! WHY? Because Fucking Technology has suddenly worked out that I’m in a hurry.

How does that bloody work? 

All in all, today has been one of the most unbelievably frustrating of the year thus-far.

And I still need to eat. 

The problem though, the one that really does worry me is whether or not I’m actually a complete nutcase under this quiet unassuming mask.

Here’s the issue:

I eat, I am level-headed and easy-going.

I don’t eat, I’m unstable and — frankly — frightening.

My fear is that I’m really unstable and frightening, and the food is just keeping this at bay.

That’s my real honest-to-god fear.

Am I really like this? Is this default setting? Is this who Lisa Sinclair really is?

I’ve spent my life with one mask or another, taking on persona after persona. Very few people get to see the person underneath. My current partner is the closest anyone has gotten; ever. Not even my long-term partner in the 90′s got to see me (for reasons too complex to go into now). 

Have I a Jekyll/Hyde personality?

I’ve had days this week where I just wanted to punch someone. Specific people. Monday there was someone really pushing buttons. Wednesday there were several arseholes, all men. Friday, another incident with the same guy from Monday. 

I spend lots and lots of time being diplomatic and careful, caring and calm when all I really want to do is tell some people to fuck the hell off. How do you release frustration and energy on this level? 

And I’m afraid I’ll reveal this to people I really do care about. People who I value and love. I’m afraid if they see this part of my personality, they’ll be as horrified as I am.

Is everyone but me calm and collected? That can’t possibly be the way can it? Am I still the only frustrated, violent one? Was M right two years ago?

It’s the doubt that eats away at me.