Yet once the job is done I feel really good.

And yes, here’s another case of avoidance – writing a blog post instead of one of the 3 assignments I have to do.

I’m particularly unimpressed with Eltima’s Syncmate software.

Installing it, dead easy. Removing not so much. I tried the simple drag-and-drop the app to the trash, but that got me nothing. The stupid “you haven’t synced in some time” messages keep coming up regardless.

To remove, you have to download the installer, then go to the “Start Here” document, which gives you a link to the uninstaller. Which you have to download.

Here’s the instructions to uninstall…

Oh, but guess what, the uninstaller is included in the installation package too. Well, that’s intuitive. Or not.

It used to be that mac apps would uninstall with a simple drag and drop to the trash. Those were the simple and elegant days of early OS X. And I miss them. This is so “Windows”, so inelegant, so painful that I wonder what exactly the developers were thinking when they created the system. Probably that it’s more painful to get rid of than to keep so you might as well leave it alone.

I’m now on Android for my phone, and retired my iPhone 3 (long may it live).

And Steve Jobs may well be turning in his grave over this, but unfortunately, he’s going to have to rotate a while.

Here’s the thing. 

It was free. My iPhone has been playing up for a while. Simple little equation.

A week of research led me to finally accept that this would work on the mac, despite having to use virus control on the unit (which was a big problem for me, but I got over it by loading AVG). Some final research today led me to Syncmate (to sync contacts and calendar) and Doubletwist (to sync music) to the phone. It’s actually quite elegant once I worked it all out.

I noticed today that the default browser wouldn’t load the guardian website. Nor did it have tabbed browsing. Opera for the phone did. 

I also researched the best email client. K9 Mail looks like it’s the one. 

So all in all, I’m hoping this unit works and keeps working…

I thought it would fit them, as the last bike was too large and actually injured them when they slipped down off the seat at a set of traffic lights (as one does). A too high crossbar bruised their pelvis and they were in a lot of pain.

The geometry of this bike looked like it might work – a lower crossbar and a much better bike on the whole.

So I spent a good $120 on it as it had a number of issues (which was why someone left it out to be claimed), including:

- no front tyre or inner tube

- very worn back tyre and punctured inner tube

- very dirty overall

- gear cable broken

- brake cables worn

I went about cleaning and fixing the bike up, learning how to change gear cables along the way which was actually quite cool.

Tomorrow I fix the brakes with new cables brought for almost half the price of cables from another shop.

My partner saw the bike yesterday finally and unfortunately it’s too big which was quite demoralising. But all was not lost because I realised what we could do is take it to their place so I’ve got a bike to ride and they could bring one of her two bikes to my place so they’ve got a bike to ride.

So how come I feel demoralised about it and now regard the money as wasted?

I had high hopes for it. And it’s no-ones fault that it didn’t fit. I’ve added value to a bike that was thrown away, abandoned, and gotten enjoyment out of fixing it up.

But now it’ll be for me, I don’t regard it as money well spent. The problem ultimately is that I’m still in the trap of “spend on others = good”, “spend on me = guilt invoking”. 

Basically, I don’t regard myself as worth it. I rarely buy myself anything of value and this christmas I had a little splurge, but the addition of a $120 bike has pushed me over the “me” limit. But I’m happy to spend on others, especially my partner.

Perhaps it’s finally time to admit that I am worth it? God knows I’ve been in this hole too long…

I’ve been feeling a little “meh” over the last 18 hours or so. Partially to do with not eating enough and partially to do with a bad habit of catastrophising incidents. Only some incidents mind you. Once food has entered my system, calm reigns again and I can step back from what my mind is going over and over and over and take a deep breath, sign and say to myself “well, I’m glad I didn’t open my mouth”.

However, another way of dealing with this overly creative mind of mine is to write out what I’m feeling, identify the emotions and work backwards from there. I’ve just experienced a “mindfulness” module in my course which talks about this very thing, which is nice as I’d already identified emotion as the trigger for a lot of stories coming up in my head (both real and imagined). Who knew I’d be on the right track!

Lunch consumed, brain firing properly, feeling better and grounded, now onto the edits for assignment and the writing of a new one.

Hi ho wossname.

Still, could be worse. I’m at home in the warm, Doctor Who is on, and that someone won’t be missing for long.

The bottom-line is this: After much soul-searching last night, I worked out where my major frustration came from: dealing with people.

That is, specific people, the kind who don’t actually listen to anything but their own voice. People that it would be so much easier to simply say “go away” to, and simply withdraw. People who should, in any sane sense of the word, be able to take care of themselves. 

I run a support group. Which is, of course, a can of worms waiting to be opened. However, for the most-part, the group gatherings have been reliably free of the needy. One has turned up, and has been spoken to on a couple of occasions about a couple of issues.

I think my issue is that I am an impatient person with a patient shell. If people don’t get something after a certain time, all I want to do is walk away and put my energies into things that actually will get me some joy.

I don’t know about anyone else, but putting language in very clear, non-judgemental, non-threatening, extremely diplomatic terms when all you want to do is tell someone to fuck off is exhausting. And annoying. In fact, I think it’s the pent-up annoyance in this situation that led to yesterday’s unpleasantness. I begin to doubt myself, I begin to… oh…

*sigh*.

I worked it out: it’s a variation on the old theme.

Short version: I used to be around people who undermined me a lot. I let them, but knew they were undermining me. When confronted by them about my supposed shortcomings, I spoke to them in continually diplomatic and careful language in order to avoid further inflaming tensions (and in order to try to avoid my copping it in the neck. Again). 

With the person in question, I was speaking in continually diplomatic and careful language in order to avoid (in this case) offense or hurt.

Which has triggered the monstrous frustration and upset I experienced yesterday.

So, what’s the solution?

Option 1: Tell people like this to simply fuck off, grow up and for fucks sake stop being a bloody arsehole!

Hmmm, slightly extreme, but on a satisfaction scale, it’s up there with chocolate.

Option 2: (from the Long Version): Just say “No”. For example: 

“No, that is an inappropriate question to ask.”

“No, it is inappropriate to be nosey”

“No, you do not have a right to talk continually at me.”

“No, if you’re not prepared to begin adjusting your behaviour for this group situation, then you have to leave.”

My problem is that I engage in dialogue. I engage in explanations. And the explanations become more and more long-winded and intricate. I have to work fast and very, very hard to create language that is non-threatening, non-judgemental, and incredibly diplomatic, while communicating a simple idea: “No.”

There. I feel better. Now I can have breakfast.

So what’s the answer?

Eat, obviously. But beyond that..?

I have a darkness inside me that rises sometimes. I have such anger and frustration. And it scares me.

I need to work this out before it affects someone I really love.