This is what happens when I go to bed at 3.30 in the morning: I lose things; I get vague. Then I get furious with myself because I’m going to have to pay money again for things I already owned. Money that would be better spent or saved on other things. It’s like a bloody rental agreement except I don’t actually know what was being rented. Suddenly something disappears — in this case, my cherished and very cool goggles ($35) and my earmuffs (second pair lost, $1.50 or $15.00 depending on where you buy them — I’ll be going to Sydney Road for mine, the cheaper option, not the rip-off bike shop in North Carlton).
What was I saying?
I get vague. That’s the one.
I also forgot my passport today. Normally this is not something that needs to feature in my life. I’m not crossing borders all that much these days, not getting onto planes bound for foreign lands and not being asked for ID by serious people with powers to search me outside and in. That last one has never happened, thankfully.
The passport was needed for enrollment at my new course, in order to prove my Australian credentials for the government fee paying scheme I’m taking advantage of; hell, I never went to university and am now looking forward to incurring some government debt just like the rest of the population!
So I have to return to Prahran tomorrow to show my passport to the people running the course so they can say ‘oo, arr, a passport, and oh what an ugly photograph — that looks nothing like you. Have you lost weight?’, for which I will thank them and allow them to take a photocopy for their records.
I simply don’t understand why I can’t just take an exam to prove my credentials, thus:
1. Who was Ned Kelly?
An irishman who fought the law and went down in local history because of this top-notch effort of Sticking It To The Man. He was hanged after being found guilty of a trumped-up charge of shooting two scumbag police officers.
2. Who was Phar Lap?
A dead racehorse that has gone down in Australian history as the best piece of taxidermy in the country, and is saluted, with tears in the eyes, by all gamblers nationwide as they lose their next month’s rent.
3. Who is Don Bradman?
John Howard’s wet dream
4. Who is the Prime Minister of Australia?
What day is it?
5. Who is the Premier of Victoria?
6. What is the second verse of ‘Advance Australia Fair’
There’s a second verse?
7. You are in a bar and someone offers you a drink. Do you order VB or Fosters?
VB. Fosters is an export drink reserved for sale in Australian bars, in a multitude of European and American cities, for consumption by homesick Australian travellers to remind them of what they’re really missing by buggering off somewhere else.
8. Pick the odd one out:
- Hills Hoist
9. What is the most appropriate response to the following question: ‘Got a fag, mate?’
- I’m a hetrosexual you wanker!
- Fuck off you scab and buy some yourself
- Here’s a menthol and a light
Fuck off you scab… etc.
10. Pick the odd one out:
NFL – no Victorian follows the bloody Rugby.
11. What was the best thing about the Sydney Olympics?
It was held nearly 1000 kilometers away from Melbourne
12. What is appropriate behaviour for P-plate drivers on a Saturday night?
Drive your mums car to Chapel Street with the music up full bore and scream obscenities at anyone wearing a skirt.