How to report a damaged manhole cover to Telstra


  1. Call any of their 13 numbers.
  2. Get annoyed when the automated system keeps on at you to enter a valid telephone number for the address where the fault lies; eventually enter 00 00 00 00 00 00 just to shut the bloody thing up.
  3. Tell the call centre staffmember where the geographical location of the problem is – the street number of the building it’s outside, street name, suburb and postcode.
  4. Repeat the location and then spell the name of the street of where the problem is, complete with the postcode.
  5. Repeat the postcode.
  6. Twice
  7. Wait while they look up the location and confirm again where the manhole cover is located.
  8. Repeat the number of the address nearest the manhole cover. Again.
  9. Wait while they do more looking up and nod wisely when they tell you the manhole cover was apparently repaired a week ago.
  10. Repeat the manhole cover is definitely broken now.
  11. To the question: ‘Is the damaged cover a danger to the public,’ say ‘Yes’.
  12. When asked if the manhole cover was damaged deliberately or not, say nicely that you don’t know as you weren’t there when it started to fall into the ground.
  13. Tell them your name.
  14. And surname
  15. When asked, spell the surname.
  16. Wait on hold while they get a job number reference.
  17. Thank them for their help and admit that no, there is nothing further they can help you with. Ever.
  18. Agree that you will have a great day now you’re going to be off the phone to them…

Author: gotheek

Sometime writer, full time human.