I’m so unfocussed.
I’m not present.
All the time my mind is elsewhere. And I’m losing grip on the here and now.
I lost a web design job today because I wasn’t focussed on what I really needed, preferring to continue being embroiled in petty squabbling, with my circle of concern far wider than the circle of influence.
I’m halfway out of the dark. And awareness has returned. Albeit a little later than I’d have liked.
So, here I am in July. I have a great many things and people going for me. I have an amazing partner. I have my health. I have some good friends. I’m going well in my course.
I need to focus on what really matters to me. And I’ve lost track of it – this happens again and again.
My creativity has suffered during the last month; the energy has been spent — I hardly believe I’m saying this again — on things that frustrate and annoy me. It’s felt like I’ve been back in full-time work again, the sheer utter futility of the near past situation has a parallel in my last two full time contract roles with InsuranceLine and Telstra. In both these, my circles of concern and influence were so far out of whack as to be light-years apart. I cared too much about things I could not influence, but yet wasn’t aware enough to pull my energies back to focus on the things and people that really, truly matter to me.
I’ve dropped the ball with my relationship – my partner, ever patient may yet deny this, but I can’t help feeling this is the case. I’ve kept my mind on the annoying things that drag energy away from me like a black-hole, rather than on them, the person I love, my partner and the person I want to spend my life with.
My vow on this cold, damp night, from my warm loungeroom in Fitzroy North is this: My circles will synchronise here and now. I shall henceforth withdraw all energy from the things I cannot influence, and concentrate instead on being present, mindful and here for the people I love, the things I need to do, and my own survival.
Funny, I feel much better now.