Invitation – Please Complete Your Profile

A star's spectacular death in the constellation Taurus was observed on Earth as the supernova of 1054 A.D. Now, almost a thousand years later, a superdense neutron star left behind by the stellar death is spewing out a blizzard of extremely high-energy pa

Sender: Robert Callahan <robert.callahan@rolescope.com>
FROM: Worldwide Registry for Business Professionals
TO: lisa@DOMAIN.com
RE: Worldwide Registry PublicationHello,

You were recently chosen to represent your professional
community, deeming you eligible for the inclusion in
the new 2013 Edition of Worldwide Registry for Business
Professionals.

How lovely of you. Except this is what’s called a “Vanity Scam”. Others have written as to your misanthropic efforts to mug your fellow man of their hard-earned cash, so I’ll just comment on what I see!

We are pleased to inform you that your candidacy was
formally approved on February 1st, 2013. Congratulations!

You wait til the end of May to tell me this? That’s almost four whole months! Surely in this second decade of the twenty-first century you can do better than that? Email travels at the speed of bills (or so I’ve become aware given the speed my pay reaches my bank account is inversely proportional to how many companies I owe money to). Put it another way: if I can send a message over the internet to a friend in America and hear back from them within seconds on an internet messenger, then you must be located in the Crab nebula.

What’s it like there?

Click here to verify your profile and accept the candidacy

The Publishing Committee selected you as a professional
based not only upon your current standing, but focusing
as well on criteria from executive and professional directories,
associations, and trade journals. Given your background,
the Director believes your profile makes a fitting addition to
our publication.

Lots of words, not much content. Are you a political speechwriter by any chance?

As we are working off of secondary sources, we must receive
verification from you that your profile is accurate. After receiving
verification, we will validate your registry listing within seven
business days.

Aha.

Once finalized, your listing will share prominent registry space
with thousands of fellow accomplished individuals across the
globe, each representing accomplishment within their own
geographical area.

On which website particularly? You haven’t mentioned once where it actually is.

Oh yes, The Crab Nebula.

crab… nebula…dot… com…

Or is it a dot org site?

To verify your profile and accept the candidacy, please click here.

Please kindly note that our registration deadline for this year’s
publication is June 1st, 2013. To ensure you are included,
we must receive your verification on or before this date.

So all of twenty four hours to take advantage of this great offer.

But alas, if it took your email four months to get here from the crab nebula, and the due date is in two days time (relative to where I live, on Earth), then you won’t get my response until the end of September. The due date will be well past by then!

Oh woe!

I wonder if there’s anything I can do to make Einstein spin in his grave and break the speed of light.

Let’s see…

Oh, actually, you can’t be in the crab nebula if you’re only four months away from Earth (assuming the email travels at the speed of light which according to Wikipedia is 9460730472580800 metres.

The crab nebula is actually 6,523 light years away. If we’re being totally accurate then you are somewhere in deep space, 7.8839421e+14 meters away. So to travel there in two days, I would need a faster than light drive which is discussed by NASA as being speculative, and by Wikipedia as fictional at present. I could potentially find a wormhole (also known as an Einstein-Rosen Bridge).

However, to do all that, I need to get into Earth orbit.

Now to get into Earth orbit I need a rocket, and the only one going up even close to the timeframe is the Russian Soyuz rocket taking astonauts and cosmonauts to the International Space Station. Oh, it’s already left.

Damn.

I know! Perhaps we can push Richard Branston to give me a seat on Spaceship One?

If you can book me a place on Virgin Galactic, I’ll do my best to get the details to you!

On behalf of our Committee I salute your achievement and
welcome you to our association.

I tell you what, getting the email back to you by the due-date will be reward enough!

Sincerely yours,

Robert C. Callahan
Vice-President, Research Division
Worldwide Registry for Business Professionals

440 Pheasant Ridge Road
Philadelphia, PA 19131

Thanks Rob. Can I call you Rob?

Author: gotheek

Sometime writer, full time human.