I thought it would fit them, as the last bike was too large and actually injured them when they slipped down off the seat at a set of traffic lights (as one does). A too high crossbar bruised their pelvis and they were in a lot of pain.

The geometry of this bike looked like it might work – a lower crossbar and a much better bike on the whole.

So I spent a good $120 on it as it had a number of issues (which was why someone left it out to be claimed), including:

- no front tyre or inner tube

- very worn back tyre and punctured inner tube

- very dirty overall

- gear cable broken

- brake cables worn

I went about cleaning and fixing the bike up, learning how to change gear cables along the way which was actually quite cool.

Tomorrow I fix the brakes with new cables brought for almost half the price of cables from another shop.

My partner saw the bike yesterday finally and unfortunately it’s too big which was quite demoralising. But all was not lost because I realised what we could do is take it to their place so I’ve got a bike to ride and they could bring one of her two bikes to my place so they’ve got a bike to ride.

So how come I feel demoralised about it and now regard the money as wasted?

I had high hopes for it. And it’s no-ones fault that it didn’t fit. I’ve added value to a bike that was thrown away, abandoned, and gotten enjoyment out of fixing it up.

But now it’ll be for me, I don’t regard it as money well spent. The problem ultimately is that I’m still in the trap of “spend on others = good”, “spend on me = guilt invoking”. 

Basically, I don’t regard myself as worth it. I rarely buy myself anything of value and this christmas I had a little splurge, but the addition of a $120 bike has pushed me over the “me” limit. But I’m happy to spend on others, especially my partner.

Perhaps it’s finally time to admit that I am worth it? God knows I’ve been in this hole too long…