Often when I’m awake late at night, I reach for the pen and paper and write a stream of consciousness that usually – if not always – resolves the issue very neatly. I work-out what’s wrong just by getting it out of my head.
I’m awake, but it’s only 7.45pm. I’m writing because I’m very sad that my lovely housemate has gone off to a fabulous new place of her own.
I’m not sad because she’s found a fab new place. I’m sad because I won’t see her anymore, and I’d gotten used to her being around.
Does this make me co-dependent? Does it make me someone who lives vicariously through others.
Does it explain why I’ve been alone for so long – housemates, friends, whathaveyou become — what’s that word that means stand-in? Dunno, and I’m not in the mood to go looking — the proxy (?) for that close relationship.
I get a relationship, but no sex and no touching.
(I’m down, so anything I say may not be taken in evidence and used later. Please.)
So what does that say about me? That I don’t want someone close? I never seem to be interested in anything personal or intimate (but consistently say I won’t object if someone else takes the first step, makes the first move).
I consistently say that I’m fine on my own. It doesn’t even occur to me to ‘be’ with anyone, to ‘seek’ that special someone who we’re all meant to meet, the perfect match (that faux-robot was called dexter wasn’t it? Imagine if it were a secret serial killer, meting out justice according to the ‘code-of-harry’?); In fact I think (or say I think) that seeking deliberately will gain only pain.
Or am I avoiding pain?
If I’m this upset about a housemate leaving — someone who I shared a house with to be sure, but not anything intimate (does washing liquid and the occasional meal count as ‘intimate’? No.) — then how would I be about a partner who I was intimate with, who I did say I love, and they reciprocated?
These are the rambling musings of an upset person, so do go and get a coffee if it’s getting too much.
Is that passive-aggression? Or merely ‘poor me’ (which is likely the same). I’m actually trying to inject a little humor.
The last relationship I had was about 5 years ago. M was good, but the touchy-feely was so very disappointing. Then there was the fact he was running a business with other people’s money and running someone elses business (long, complicated story which can be summed-up by saying ‘loyalty is good thing. And helping a friend is a good thing. But if you’re dealing with lots of other peoples money and have so little time to run your own business, don’t take on the running of your friends business at the same time. That didn’t end up being short at all did it?) and as a result he was very very stressed all the time.
On top of that he had family issues much like my old ones – dominationg, controlling father, etc. It ended pretty quickly, despite (or perhaps because — who knows) me doing a lot of hard work to try to help, to try to be there for him to relax away from work, to be an easy-going gf.
His parting words: ‘You don’t hate me do you?’
My response: ‘No’ (thinking I was really disappointed). The evening concluded with a lot of chocolate and a movie. I think it was Breakfast at Tiffany’s (and perhaps that’s what I should do tonight)
What was I going on about?
Do I ‘need’ someone? Or do I ‘need’ to be around someone? God knows I do nothing but hibernate. I work on my own, I write on my own (is there any other way?) I live with one other person (new one tomorrow).
Do I just attach myself to the nearest person?
It’s looking increasingly like I do. It’s something I’ve been aware of, but… god does that make me one of those people who suck the energy out of others like a frigging vampire?
Holy crap, I hope not.
No, that’s taking an idea and looking to that extreme end of the bell curve for the worst possible thing. Slow down Lisa, calm… it’s okay…
So. where to from here?
I have identified that I become attached to nice people. Who doesn’t? And when they leave, I get upset. Natural? Possibly. I don’t like goodbyes. So do lots of other people.
Maybe there’s nothing wrong and I’m just allowed to be upset?